


Destibagel

by MysticMoonhigh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal, Bagels, Crack, M/M, Other, baganal, bagel blowjobs, bagelpocolypse, im blaming this entirely on that, this is what hiatus looks like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-03 14:01:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1747241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticMoonhigh/pseuds/MysticMoonhigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written during the soon to be infamous bagelpocolypse of 2014. </p>
<p>WARNINGS: Contains hot bagelxbagel action.</p>
<p>"Bagel Castiel walked into the room (well, really he more hopped into the room, because he is a bagel and therefor did not have legs or know what legs were) where Dean Bagel sat, watching Dr. Sexy Bagel. Dean bagel was entirely convinced that there had never been and never would be a sexier bagel.</p>
<p>Until, of course, Bagel Cas walked (hopped) in front of the television screen. Okay, so maybe he was wrong. "</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is meant to be pure crack. It is badly done, I am aware. This is supposed to make you laugh. Sorry. The explicit content is not a joke, this is bagel porn. Enjoy.

Bagel Castiel walked into the room (well, really he more hopped into the room, because he is a bagel and therefor did not have legs or know what legs were) where Dean Bagel sat, watching Dr. Sexy Bagel. Dean bagel was entirely convinced that there had never been and never would be a sexier bagel.  
Until, of course, Bagel Cas walked (hopped) in front of the television screen. Okay, so maybe he was wrong.   
“Dean Bagel, I told you to put up the cream cheese. Why are you so untidy?” He questioned. “I'm the one who gripped you tight and saved you from the toaster oven. You can't at least do one thing I ask?” Bagstiel demanded. Dean was watching the television still through the gaping hole in Castiel's body.   
Suddenly, his gaze drifted to Bagstiel as his mind wandered down a path that it shouldn't have been wandering down. He was trying to watch Dr.Sexy, damnit, but his bagel dick did not want to stay in its bagel pants where it most definitely belonged. Whatever, he supposed he could catch the episode later.  
He clicked off the television with a smirk. His eyes scanned Castiel's perfectly rounded form, his crust glittering with a light glaze in the low light, and he felt his own mouth begin to water.   
“I could make it up to you.” Bagel Dean said suggestively, slipping to the floor in front of Cas. Cas reared back in surprise, but Bagel Dean reached up with his bagel sides and held Cas steady. Cas slowly relaxed, still slightly confused, but starting to become hard.   
Bagel Dean leaned forward and mouthed at Cas's baguette, which was quickly rising like dough put into an oven. Bagel Castiel moaned as Bagel Dean took it out of Castiel's pants and quickly licked a stripe up the breaded length, moaning at the flavour of Castiel's butter. Dean swore sometimes that when the Great Baker had made Castiel, they infused honey into him, just to make him all the more sweet. Dean would never get enough of the taste of Bagstiel.   
“Oh, Bagel Dean,” Bagstiel moaned, bucking his bagel hips upwards. Bagel Dean sucked harder, feeling Bagel Castiel's baguette hit the back of his throat. He let out a startled moan, reaching down quickly to free his own hardening bread wand from his pants. “This was so worth you leaving out the cream cheese.”   
Bagel Dean pulled away, and Bagstiel let out a growl of disapproval. “Hold on. I think we can make this better.” He promised, smirking. Bagel Castiel looked down at Bagel Dean's now free erection, a bead of butter swelling at the tip, and he nodded his head. He knew that bagel Dean was too far aroused to leave himself like that, so he would be back soon.   
Bagel Dean swayed his bagel hips as he walked into the kitchen, grabbing the cream cheese. When he returned, he found Bagel Castiel slowly stroking himself, using his own butter as lubricant. He almost dropped the container from just how hot the sight of it was.   
“Did I tell you you could touch yourself?” Bagel Dean demanded, grabbing Castiel's sides to stop him from his stroking. Bagstiel stood up tall and straight, a challenge.  
“Do I need your permission to touch my own body?” He challenged. Dean smirked and sauntered over, dropping to his knees.  
“No, but after I'm through with you, you'll never be able to touch yourself again. You'll always crave my touch. I'll get under your crust like the blueberries you were baked with, and your own touch will never quite feel the same. Then, you'll finally understand, why they name crumbs after bagels.” Dean said, stroking up and down Castiel's breadstick with the cream cheese.   
“I know, Dean.” Castiel panted, smiling, “And what is that? Is that the cream cheese?”  
“Yup, Cas, all for you.”  
“Wow, it's so smooth. I can't believe it's not butter.” He said. Dean then became impatient and took Castiel into his mouth, moaning deep in his throat and causing vibrations to travel up Castiel's cock. He let out a long moan and ran his fingers through Bagel Dean's Bagel equivalent of hair, losing himself in the sensation.   
Finally, Bagel Castiel felt like he was about to burst, and his breadstick was leaking delicious butter down Dean's throat. Dean continued to swallow down all that Castiel's bagelhood had to offer, milking him like a cow bagel. Dean Bagel loved the taste of his angel. Not even the Pilsbury Doughboy himself could make a more delicious treat.  
“Dean, I'm close.” Bagel Castiel said. Dean pulled out, bringing up one of his sides to run along Castiel's length.   
“Butter on my face.” Dean growled possesively. “I want to feel you running down my glaze.”  
Finally, with that, Bagel Castiel couldn't hold out any longer. He let go, his butter running in streams across Dean's face, then quickly beginning to cool into white, gooey substance. Bagel Dean licked a little off of his lips, and he had Cas immediately hardening again.  
“Turn around and bend over.” Bagel Dean urged. Bagel Cas did as he was told, and he felt Dean rise behind him, reaching forward to stick his bagel fingers into Cas's waiting hole. It was gaping, inviting, and just the right size for Bagel Dean's massive bread dong.   
Bagel Cas was fully prepared, and Dean couldn't wait any longer. He slowly slid inside the hole, moaning out at the smooth texture. “Ugh, Cas, your whole wheat hole wraps around my cock so nicely.” He groaned.  
He gave Castiel a moment to adjust before he slowly began to pull out, loving the crumbly texture of Castiel's insides. He gave a mighty thrust back in, hitting Cas's sesame seed and causing the other to gasp out in pleasure.   
“Dean, yes, pound into me! I knead you!” Castiel choked out, eyes rolling back in his bagel head in pleasure. Dean smirked before he started to thrust in and out at a merciless pace, his baguette hitting Castiel's special sesame seed over and over again, causing the other's length to rise even more, become even harder, like stale bread.   
“Oh, Cas, take it you whole grain slut!” Dean exclaimed, pounding into Bagstiel. Bagstiel felt his toes curl in pleasure (or at least he would have, if bagels had toes) as he took all that bagel Dean had to offer, moaning out his pleasure. “Scream for me.” Bagel Dean growled.  
“DEAN!” Bagel Castiel screamed as Bagel Dean hit his sesame seed prostate one last time, pushing him over the edge. His loaf exploded, curved, seductively yellow streams of butter covering his chest. Dean followed shortly after, coating Castiel's insides with the silky yellow substance.  
After they were done, Castiel collapsed onto the couch, and Dean quickly wormed his way behind him. Dean wrapped his bagel arms around Castiel, tired and sex-drunk. “We should get married.” Dean said tiredly, not really meaning it. Okay, so maybe he did mean it, but now was the only time he'd ever say it.   
“The other bagels would never approve.” Castiel said flatly, tired of bagel Dean's shit.   
“Maybe we could eloaf together?” Bagel Dean suggested. Bagstiel paused. Okay, so that idea seemed just a little too appealing to him, but who was judging?  
“Go the fuck to sleep, Dean.” He huffed out, closing his eyes.   
They fell asleep in each other's bagel arms.


	2. I don't even know what I'm doing right now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god ignore this. It's three in the morning and I got this idea from Supernaturalapocalypse and awkward-fallen-angel because they were joking around about starting an apocalypse involving bagels and nutella and those creepy happy meal faces. If you don't know what I'm talking about you should go and look it up right now.  
> This isn't as funny as the last but I think it's okay.

Bagel Dean (technically doughnut Dean, since knights of hell are, in fact, doughnuts) walked down the stairs, holding a television remote in his bagel hands. Why was the remote upstairs, you may ask? Well, I have no fucking clue.

He was delighted, as he came down, to smell chocolate wafting through the air. 

His stomach insisted that he follow the intriguing scent, and he walked into the living room, insistent upon finding the source. What met his eyes was the sight of his lover, face down on the table, his back smeared in spreadable chocolate. And, he wasn't even wearing his underwear.

Dean felt his mouth begin to water, which was immediately absorbed because his face was literally made of bread. 

"Wow, Cas," He purred, "Looking like I'm in for a  _wonder_  of a time."

"I don't understand that reference, Dean." Bagstiel stated dryly.

"You know, Wonder bread? It's a bread brand?" He said. Castiel was silent. "The one with the circl- You know what? Never mind." He said. He didn't care. Because Cas smelled like the inside of an oven, all doughy and ready to bake up some love.

Sex. Castiel was ready to have the sex.

Dean walked over to him and leaned down, slowly licking a stripe of nutella from his gaping hole. The one in his chest. Don't be a perv.

"Mmmmm, Cas, Is all of this really for me?" Dean questioned. 

"You'd bread-er believe it, Dean." Castiel said. 

Dean immediately straddled Castiel's bagel hips, rubbing his whopping, stale croissant-shaped dick all over the brown substance. It immediately started to get hard, rising to completion. Cas really knew how to put the yeast straight into his dick.*

"Cas, ugh, do you want me inside you? Fill you up like you were made for it? Cause you know, Cas, being a doughnut, I was literally made to be  _shoved inside someone."_  Dean purred in Cas's ear. 

"You were also made to be chewed up and digested. Are you going to fuck me or not?" Castiel demanded, wagging his bagel hips. Dean let out a low groan as he felt Cas's bread push up against him. Instead of arguing the fact (what could he say, he  _was_ delicious... and since he was a knight of hell, he came jelly. It was grape flavoured. Too bad Cas preferred Custard filled doughnuts. It had come up in a fight one day. Where was this paragraph going? Oh, right, bagel sex. Yeah.)

Dean pulled back, wondeing what he would use to prepare Castiel.

"Just use the nutella as lube, Dean," Cas insisted. Dean couldn't argue, and set to work with his fingers. Cas moaned and shook as Dean's fingers pushed him open, making the prettiest sight Dean had ever seen. Even though his nutella plan was a little half baked, Castiel knew he did a great job of pulling it off.

Once Dean was done with preparing Castiel, he began to slowly slide in. His engorged bread bading-a-ding slid all the way in to the hilt, like it was a massive weapon ready to repeatedly seek out Castiel's seasame seed. 

"Cas, can you feel all of my starches? All ten of them, burried inside of you? That's right, I'm a diabetic's nightmare. I hope you're ready." He purred seductively. Castiel let out a long moan.

"Fuck yes, give me all of your starches. I knead you, oh god, I knead you like you knead pizza dough before you put it in the oven. Fill me up with all of your grains!" He cried out. Dean couldn't help but start then, slowly sliding in and back out, setting a bruising pace.

He rode Castiel hard, like he would ride a horse, if bagels rode horses. Unfortunately, they don't. He rode Castiel like if he didn't, he was going to die. He felt a bead of jelly well up as Castiel clenched his bread muscles (don't ask me how that works) and milked Dean's dick for all it was worth, both of them moaning ecstatically.

Finally, Dean climaxed, and Castiel screamed as he'd given his final thrust, hitting his special sesame seed and making Castiel butter all over the place untouched. It sprayed onto the table like it came from a sprayable butter can. Yeah, that is a thing that exists. 

Spent, Bagel Dean turned to Bagle Castiel. "So, what was that about?" He asked. A sinister laugh met him.

Castiel turned around, revealing his face. It had morphed... a happy meal's face sat in place of it. Dean reared back, letting out a startled cry as he landed on the couch. His eyes widened to the size of a roll of cheese as he stared. 

"I know I'm hideous. I got hit by a curse. It'll wear off eventually." Castiel said flatly. He'd only thrown in the evil laughter to make Dean scared. 

Then, Dean made a "not-half-bad" face. Like the face customers make when the baker accidentally bakes a seven-cheese breadstick with only six cheeses.

"I'd still fuck you." He said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *What makes bread rise is yeast. Cas knows how to make Dean's dick rise.


End file.
